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On the way I made a short detour through the women's barracks. I didn't really want to talk to anyone, but knew that the only way the women who hadn't been chosen yet as concubines would become members of our community was if they were encouraged to see us in a way that wasn't adversarial.As I walked through our small community, I mulled over what I had learned so far. I asked myself if I wanted to continue to write about my past. I knew I didn't want to do that. Yet as I thought about it I knew that I needed to do it in order to get past some of the hurts; to properly salve and heal my wounds. I paused to stretch and pulled the first horrid thing from my memory. I realized that my father could have killed me or at least permanently injured me on several occasions. How he had managed not to do so was a question I hadn't really examined. I would need to consider that. I might even ask James to help me set up a sleep-trainer to see if it could do something on the order of a CAP test. And, Idon't know what to do because... I kind of can't help myself. Becky getsto wear all those really nice and interesting things, but I guess I'm noteven supposed to think about stuff like that. But I do! I can't helpit! I think about it all the time! I guess, I always have. She gets towear nice things like that because she's a girl, and I can't because I'ma boy. It's so not fair!Becky always gets really interesting things for her birthday andChristmas too. And I always get dumb stuff. I mean, is it so bad thatBecky and I both like to play with her dolls and her doll house stuff?Is it really so bad? And she has all this really cool jewelry makingstuff that's so neat! I love to create cool looking things with it towear! But I guess that's bad too because Mom and Dad yell at me for thattoo. So I'm sorry. I guess I haven't been all that good this year afterall. But like I said, I kind of can't help it. Those are the thingsthat interest me, not the dumb stuff I'm.
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